


Finding my way (back to me feet)

by Signe_chan



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Healthy Coping Mechanisms, Hockey typical violence, M/M, Mutual Support, hurt comfort, sometimes Kent Parson is not a good person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-26
Updated: 2017-02-26
Packaged: 2018-09-27 02:17:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9945833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Signe_chan/pseuds/Signe_chan
Summary: Kent brings some things onto the ice that he shouldn't and Jack doesn't take it well.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This fanfiction contains hockey typical violence. This means in this case that one character throws down gloves and hits another character hard enough to break his nose. Which I think it's unheard of. Also, I've only been in hockey fandom for a short time and watched all of two actual games so if I get something wrong, shout at me and I'll fix it for the betterment of everyone. 
> 
> If you need more specifics I'll include an outline of who exactly does what to who and why in the end notes.

They were in the third with 14 minutes in regulation and the Falconers were up 4-2. The Aces had played a hard, fast game, but so had the Falconers. This time, they’d been ready. 

It was, of course, too good to last. 

He’d passed the puck up the ice to Poots when Kent slammed into him, sending him back into the boards. He’d shoved back, he was going to stake it off. 

Then everything went wrong. 

“Hey, Zimms, you gonna need to pills to calm down after this? Zimms, does your boy know what a fuck up you are? You going to run out on him too, Zimms? Zimms, you think he deserves to be stuck with you?” 

Jack didn’t remember dropping his gloves, but he did remember the sound Kent’s nose made when he broke it. He did remembered the shocked look on Kent’s face, like he hadn’t expected Jack to actually retaliate. He did remember the broken sound Kent had made as Jack had punched him over and over. He remembered hands pulling and then he was surrounded, pulled away, and all he wanted to do was punch and punch and punch until he couldn’t hear Kent’s fucking words any more. 

And then he was in the sin bin and he still couldn’t think. He looked down and his hands were shaking but it was like he couldn’t feel them. Like he’d somehow been disconnected from his body. 

Fuck Kent. Fuck him and everything he’d said and he was wrong, so wrong. 

Only was he? 

Fuck. Fuck Kent. 

The game started again. Jack couldn’t stop shaking. He watched the clock count down. Two minutes. Two fucking minutes in the sin bin, gripping his stick and trying to keep it together. 

He wasn’t going to be able to go back out and play. He was a mess. The overwhelming numbness was starting to recede and all he could think was that Kent might be right. That he was a mess. If he wasn’t a mess, he’d have been able to skate away. He’d had objectively worse things said to him on the ice. 

He was a mess and Bitty should stay away from him. 

The door opened. He shot across the ice to the benches and Tater was already clambering over the boards to replace him out there. Behind him the aces scored a goal. He didn’t care. 

He’d never wanted to be off the ice so badly before. 

He didn’t know how he navigated the end of game rituals. He must have done it. Must have shaken hands and waved and all the other things, but he didn’t remember them. His head was a mess. All he wanted was Bitty but should he even want Bitty? Wouldn’t Jack just hurt him? Like he’d hurt Kent? But he wasn’t like this anymore. He wanted Bitty. He wanted things to be okay. 

Then they were leaving the ice and his hands were still shaking. Someone must have noticed because before they could get to the lockers room and the press, someone’s arm was around his shoulder and it felt like when he blinked again he was in Georgia’s office. 

She followed him in, shutting the door. She didn’t look impressed. 

“Jack…” 

“Kent was with me. When I overdosed. He phoned the ambulance. He…I don’t think he’s ever forgiven me but I didn’t think he’d used the things I did back then, the way I was, against me on the ice.” 

Georgia stood frozen just inside the closed doorway. She obviously hadn’t expected him to just come out with it like that. Jack hadn’t expected it either but when he’d opened his mouth, that was what had come out. He was just done. He was just so tired and hurt and Kent was wrong only what if he was right. 

Jack had abandoned him. Jack was a mess. Some days the urge to backslide was so strong. To just take a few more pills. To just look for that easy way. 

Bitty deserved better than him. 

Georgia came to lean against the desk. She reached out and lay a hand on his shoulder and she had to be able to feel how he was shaking. 

“Jack,” she said again, softer this time. “What do you need?” 

What did he need? 

Bitty. 

“I need to go,” he said. “I need to not see Kent. I need to go home. I need to phone my psychiatrist.” 

Those were all the things he should need. But he needed Bitty first. 

Beautiful, generous, kind Bitty who was made of sunshine and was a thousand times what Jack deserved. Bitty who he was going to hurt one day, just like he hurt Kent. 

He needed to go to Samwell. He knew this. This was adrenaline and fear. These thoughts, they were just thoughts. He didn’t need to listen to them. He could acknowledge them and let them go only right now his body was in fight or flight and he just couldn’t. 

Georgia sighed. 

“Stay in here,” she said, standing. “I’ll handle the press. We’ll try not to let it get too out of hand. Wait until I come back.” 

He nodded. She went. 

He wished he had his phone. If he had his phone he could text Bitty. Or call him. Anything to hear from him. 

He realised he was still in his gear. He hadn’t even had a chance to take his skates off before he came here. He did it now. The laces were hard with trembling fingers but he managed. Stripped away his pads. Maybe he should wait until he was in the locker room but he didn’t know what else to do with his time. 

When the door opened again, his was down to his under armour. 

Kent was in the doorway. 

He looked a mess. He was still holding an ice pack to his eye and his nose was taped. Jack hadn’t imagined the breaking. There was dried blood on his face and he looked pale and tired. 

“Hey,” he said, stepping into the room and shutting the door and Jack couldn’t do this. He couldn’t be here in this room with Kent. Not now. Not when everything was still so sore and Kent apparently still knew better than anyone how to hurt him. 

“Look,” Kent was saying. “I’m sorry. I get that I shouldn’t have said that.” 

Silence. 

“For the record, this is the part where you’re meant to apologise for breaking my nose and we laugh about it.” 

Jack didn’t want to apologise. He didn’t want to laugh about it. 

He stood. He very carefully didn’t touch Kent on his way to the door. Georgia had told him to wait but she couldn’t have known this would happen, could she? No. She wouldn’t. But…no. That was just a thought. It had no basis in fact. Just some random thought trying to make him feel bad. 

When he’d first overdosed, when he’d first gotten real help, his therapist had taught him to visualise someone else saying the words to him. Something else. He’d always imagined a monster. Something like a hockey puck but with teeth. He imagined it now. Put the thought into it’s mouth. Externalised. 

It let him breath enough to leave the room. Georgia hadn’t sent Kent. She’d want him to remove himself from this situation before he and Kent broke each other more. 

Kent didn’t follow. 

The locker room was empty. He didn’t bother changing, just grabbed his bag. His phone and his car keys were in there. That was all he’d need to get to Samwell. He didn’t pass anyone on the way down to the garage. It was already mostly clear. He must have been in Georgia’s office longer than he thought. 

He let himself into his car then leant his head on the steering wheel. He closed his eyes and took a few moment just to breath. To focus in. It was harder than it had been, the thought monsters wanted him to play Kent’s words over a few hundred times more. Wanted him to pick them to pieces. Wanted him to fall completely apart like he had before. The thought monsters liked him best when he was too scared and broken to live. 

But for now, all he had to do was breath. Just one breath. Then the next. He counted them. In and out five times and then again. And five more. He counted over and over, bringing his attention back every time the monsters tried to grab it, until his hands stopped shaking, until he felt almost human again. Then he opened his eyes. 

He still wanted to see Bitty. Wanted it so much it hurt. 

He took out his phone. 

It wasn’t as if he hadn’t had fights on the ice before. They were part of the game. Adrenaline got high. It wasn’t as if Kent was the first one to bring up the overdose on the ice. But it _was_ the first time Jack had lost it so completely. It _was_ the first time he’d broken someone’s nose over it. 

People would know something was wrong. 

Sure enough, his phone had a long list of missed calls and unread texts. He ignored them. He’d talk to other people later. Right now, there was only one person he needed. 

Bitty picked up on the second ring. 

“Jack, sweetie, are you okay?” 

“Getting there,” Jack said. The thought monsters roared at the sound of Bitty’s voice, tried to make him believe he wasn’t good enough. Thoughts. They were just thoughts. He closed his eyes again. “I need to see you. I mean, can I see you?” 

“Of course, Jack. I need to see you too. You’d just better not let me anywhere near Kent Parson or I’ll be giving that boy a piece of my mind.” 

“I think I already did that for the both of us.” 

“Oh, I think I can add to his misery,” Bitty said. And he sounded like he meant it. Jack believed him. If you were fair to him, Bitty was lovely, but he didn’t have much patient for those who hurt the people he loved. He’d shown as much with what he did to the LAX bro who’d dumped Whiskey. 

“I’m going to hang up now,” Jack said, softly. “The roads should be clear so I won’t be long.” His hands were steady enough to drive. He’d be fine. 

“Oh hon, you’re not driving. I used your account to get an uber and I’m nearly in Providence, I hope that’s okay. And I’ve just texted Tater. He’ll be there in a few minutes to take you home.” 

Jack adored Bitty. 

“You’re wonderful,” he said, letting himself relax. He hadn’t been looking forward to driving. It could be a source of anxiety at the best of times but like this? He’d have done it, though, if it got him to Bitty. “I’ll see you soon.” 

“I’ll probably be at your place before you are.” 

Bitty hung up and Jack lowered his phone. Lifted his head. Opened his eyes. 

Tater was hanging back a little way, watching him. He waved sheepishly when Jack spotted him and Jack opened the car door. 

“Hi,” Tater said. “Tiny boyfriend say you need lift home. Georgia worry too, say you disappear. I say I take care.” 

“Thanks, Tater,” Jack said. He paused a second before handing over his car keys. Tater took them with a nod, then stepped forward and pulled Jack into a hug. 

Jack wasn’t small, but Tater sometimes made him feel tiny. There was something very reassuring about having 6 foot plus of Russian between you and the world. He let himself enjoy it for a moment before stepping back. He passed around to the passenger side of the car and let himself in while Tater took the driver’s seat. 

Tater drove like he’d learnt everything he knew from Grand Theft Auto so Jack didn’t dare talk in transit - he just held on for dear life. 

He did notice, however, as they sped down his street, that his apartment’s lights were on. 

Good. 

Tater let them into the parking garage and managed to get them more or less situated into Jack’s spot before talking again. 

“If need anything, you call, okay Zimmboni?” 

“Yeah,” Jack said. “Thanks, Tater.” 

“Is what teammate do. Now, go hug little boyfriend. Feel better.” 

“I will.” Jack grabbed his bag. “You want to take my car? You can bring it back tomorrow?” 

“I will take taxi,” Tater said, unfolding himself from the driver’s seat. Jack couldn’t say he wasn’t at least a little relieved that Tater wouldn’t be driving his car any more. “See you tomorrow, Zimmboni? Morning skate?” 

“I’ll be there.” And as he said it he realised he would be. Right now, he still wasn’t right. He was still sore inside in a way that no number of ice packs could numb. But Bitty was here and Jack wasn’t sixteen anymore and soon things would be better. 

He kept repeating it right up to his door. Right until he opened it to light. To the smell of baking cookies and the sound of Bitty clattering round in his kitchen. 

“I knew you said you’d be home before me but not by long enough to bake.” 

Bitty appeared in the doorway. He was wearing an apron already and he looked tired. Worried. But wonderful. Jack loved him so very much. 

“I wanted you to come home to something nice, and I was already chilling the batter back at Samwell so…” 

“Bitts, you’re all I want to come home to. Can I…?” He raised his arms and Bitty looked relieved for a second before stepping forward into them. He was so perfect there. There was an appeal to being held by someone bigger than him, like Tater, but that was nothing compared to having Bitty in his arms. 

“Oh sweetie,” Bitty said, pressing into Jack. “I’ve been so worried.” 

“I’m sorry.” Jack kissed the top of his head. “Turn off the oven, come to bed. We can talk.” 

Bitty nodded, pulling away, and it had been Jack’s suggestion so he had to let him go. Had to let him head for the kitchen while Jack dragged himself upstairs. He was still just in his under armour and reeking of the game so he took the time to change and grab a quick shower and when he came out, Bitty was in his bed with a plate of cookies on the dressing table. 

He bypassed the cookies and slid into bed. Reached and Bitty was there, sliding into his arms. Pressing close. 

He loved him. 

“Sweetie,” Bitty said into his neck. “What happened?” 

So Jack told him. Told him as much as he could. What Kent had said. How it’d made him feel. How he’d calmed down after. Bitty made little wounded noises through it all. Stroked his hands over Jack’s body. Whispered things like ‘oh honey’. 

Jack felt himself melt into the bed. Felt the weight of it disappear. 

“You know, honey, that none of it’s true, right?” Bitty asked, when Jack had run out of words. “About you not being worthy of me? About you being a mess? It’s not true.” 

“I kind of am a mess,” Jack said, though he managed to deliver it with a smile. “But I‘m getting better. And I love you.” 

“Good,” Bitty said, softly. “Because I love you, too.” 

“I’m sorry I scared you.” 

“I don’t mind,” Bitty said, tightening his arms around Jack. “This seems like a good reason to miss my morning lessons tomorrow.” 

“Well, you do know I have to be up and out for morning skate?” 

“Jack…” 

“I won’t wake you up. You know, Bitts, you can stay here as long as you want.” 

“Enabler,” Bitty whispered, but it didn’t sting. Jack was an enabler. If he thought it was a healthy thing to do, he’d want Bitty to drop out and live with him. To wake up to him every morning. He knew it wasn’t healthy, that Bitty deserved the degree he’d worked hard for and Jack would never take that away from him. But soon. 

And that was everything really, wasn’t it? Jack was a mess, but he was leaning. Learning to be better. To handle things when they got bad and forgive himself when things overwhelmed him. And he had Bitty. Deserved or not, he had him. And he was going to do everything he could to make sure he never hurt Bitty. 

He had learnt some things from his past. 

“Sleep,” Jack whispered. “I love you.” 

“I love you too,” Bitty said. 

Jack smiled into the darkness of his bedroom. 

Things were going to be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> End notes - spoilers for people who need to check these things before they read: 
> 
> Kent chirps Jack on the ice - making reference to the overdose, Kent's perception of what happened during the overdose, and if Jack is worthy of Bitty. Jack sees red and beats Kent up badly enough to break his nose. Jack has some anger and a lot of anxiety around the things Kent has said which lead to him doing some breathing exercises, externalising his intrusive thoughts and calling Bitty insted of catasrophising. Bitty comes and gives him a hug. Tater also gives him a hug because I think Tater should hug all people at all times. 
> 
> For the purpose of this fic, as in canon, Kent is the antagonist with hangups about Jack. If that isn't your thing, that's okay. I needed an antagonist and the shoe fit but I get the Kent as a character gets a lot of people very emotionally charged so your mileage may vary.


End file.
